These are my personal notes on the book “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It”, by Chris Voss. This book is about mastering negotiation techniques, and is written by a former hostage negotiator. I found it pretty engaging and well-written, and it definitely helped me improve my communication abilities.
Core Concepts
- The fundamental premise: People want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest yet most effective concession we can make.
- Definition of negotiation: Serves two vital functions - information gathering and behavior influencing. It encompasses almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other.
- Essential truth: Most interactions at work and home are negotiations that express a simple urge: “I want”.
Key Skills and Techniques
1. Active Listening
- The goal is to understand what counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise).
- Create enough trust and safety for real conversation to begin.
- Critical warning: going too fast is one of the most common negotiation mistakes.
2. Positive Framing
- When we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations flow naturally.
- People in positive frames of mind:
- Think more quickly
- Are more likely to collaborate
- Show increased problem-solving ability
- A smile affects both parties - it increases mental agility for both the smile-er and smile-ee.
3. Mirroring Technique
- Repeat the last three words (or critical 1-3 words) of what someone has just said.
- Purpose: Trigger the mirroring instinct to encourage elaboration.
- Implementation steps:
- Use late-night FM DJ voice
- Start with “I’m sorry…”
- Mirror
- Silence (at least 4 seconds)
- Repeat
4. Tactical Empathy
- Understanding feelings and mindset in the moment while hearing what’s behind those feelings.
- Key component: Labeling emotions
- Labeling guidelines:
- Start with: “It seems like…”, “It sounds like…”, “It looks like…”
- Present as neutral statements of understanding
- After labeling, maintain silence and listen
- Use to reinforce positive perceptions
5. The Power of “No”
- People will fight to preserve their right to say “No”.
- Benefits of “No”:
- Gives speaker feeling of safety and control.
- Often means “Wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that”.
- Can open up discussion and spur people to action.
- Strategic applications:
- Ask “Is now a bad time?” instead of “Do you have a few minutes?”.
- Use “No”-oriented questions when someone is ignoring you.
- Getting to “That’s right” is more valuable than getting to “Yes”.
6. Calibrated Questions
- Key principles:
- Start with “what,” “how,” and sometimes “why”.
- Avoid closed-ended questions using “can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” “does”.
- Use “How” questions to keep negotiations going.
- Benefits:
- Gives counterpart illusion of control.
- Keeps them engaged but off balance.
- Guides them toward solving your problem.
7. Negotiation Tactics
-
The Ackerman Model:
- Set target price (goal).
- First offer at 65% of target.
- Calculate three raises (85%, 95%, 100%).
- Use empathy and “No” before increases.
- Use precise, non-round numbers.
- Add non-monetary item at the end.
-
Deadline handling:
- Reveal your deadline to reduce risk of impasse.
- Remember: No deal is better than a bad deal.
8. Advanced Concepts
- Black Swan rule: Listen carefully - you won’t hear everything the first time.
- Face time value: 10 minutes in person reveals more than days of research.
- Cultural connection: People concede more readily to those they share similarities with.
- The “Fair” trigger: Most powerful word in negotiations - people are strongly influenced by how respected they feel.
Final Wisdom
- Prepare extensively: Under pressure, you don’t rise to the occasion - you fall to your highest level of preparation.
- Avoid compromise for compromise’s sake: We often compromise because it’s easy, not because it’s right.
- Success principle: The key is not about being smooth or forceful, but getting the other party to convince themselves that your solution is their own idea.